When I was younger I dreamt of an idealized life.
This beautiful and immense happiness that moved through everything.
I craved this deeply.
It consumed everything I did.
This notion of achieving this point of bliss.
Where everything was set in stone and nothing could break through his wall of immeasurable and infinite love.
I always imagined I would find love in a person.
That this love would be continuous and ever growing. That I would find a lover that saw only me and found happiness in all I did. That my happiness would flow through this relationship. I idealized every relationship I saw from that moment forward; wanting so badly to find love as they did.
Every relationship I would embark in would end with me feeling depleted and empty. This void within me was growing and consuming all I set out to change within myself. Instead of transforming into a new season of my life I was becoming a chameleon in every relationship I entered. Changing my appearance, my lifestyle and my relationships with those I loved in order to achieve this pure love and joy.
After years of disappointment and constant seeking I laid it all out.
I wanted to be seen and felt as this woman.
A woman who loved words and had dreams of transforming hearts and lives through her literature.
I wanted so badly to be SEEN.
To be supported fully in my vision.
Then it happened.
I let my writing consume me.
I took my heart and laid it out on paper.
I stopped seeking for someone and started seeing myself.
I began to live presently in the moment.
Finding power in my boundaries and new found happiness.
Happiness that awakened in the stillness of my mind.
In the rest.
I found that happiness suffocates in our constant need to feel something different.
I challenge myself constantly to walk away from what no longer serves me.
Sometimes I contemplate on how such a huge majority of my life has been caught in stagnancy.
All because I restricted myself.
How do we leave?
How do we walk away from what is comfortable without knowing that outcome?
We just do.
We put one foot in front of the other and trust that this is a new beginning worth writing.
In every moment of uncertainty,
stop and say,
“I trust you. Take this from me.”
Breathe deeply and know that your happiness does not lie in your seeking.
It lies in the uncertainty and discomfort of the next chapter unwritten.